Summer Blues

The end of June has always, in some part of my mind, equated to the end of everything. It's probably because it was the end of the school year for thirteen years. By the end of June everything was over; Guiding, softball, and school. The Owlsnest closed. Most of my regular babysitting jobs were on hiatus for the summer. My Grandpa died in June. Fifteen years later and I still miss him horribly. The high point of my summer was always going down to visit him for a few weeks. He and I were the early risers. We would spend that quiet first part of the day together, opening the blinds, watering the plants, talking quietly over cereal, and just enjoying each other's company. It was a magical time, it was our time. Dawn feels empty without him, especially in the summer.

The end of June used to mark a few weeks of swimming lessons and playing outside with the neighbours, of being put to work on various projects in the house, but always there was vacation at Grandpa's to anticipate. After he died, there was no longer that mid-point to look forward to. It was just endless summer, helping Dad build a new fence, painting things, cleaning things, organizing things, scraping up enough money to go to a Guide camp now and then, swim lessons and bike rides, and the occasional vacation. But although school years have come and gone, and the weather has become hot and the days long, that carefree thing that was summer has not returned. I miss it.

http://ca.360.yahoo.com/panastwins

A life,
eager to find this world,
sprung from the womb precipitously

A life,
struggling for every breath, every heartbeat
each moment simultaneously a blessing and a prayer

A life,
over almost before it had begun;
his days were numbered 123.

A life,
filled with tubes and needles
surgeries and procedures

A life,
confined to hospitals, to incubators
to ambulances, to pods

A life,
inextricably tied and intertwined
with that of another soul, his twin, his brother

A life,
released, unfettered
never to experience the woes of maturity

A life,
truncated, denied the joys
and the sorrows of humanity

A life,
so briefly touching mine
so profoundly echoing in my heart.

Farewell, Andrew.

Existential depression

It's a plague, it saps my strength, my will. There is no cure, no balm, no relief, only overwhelming despair, and guilt for that despair.

http://gtadults.blogspot.com/2006/05/existential-depression.html

A poem not by me.

I breathe in
Not wanting to breathe out
Not wanting to continue
In this cycle
If I can hold this breath
One second longer
Than the pain
Won’t ache as much
And time will have stopped
For a second
And for that one second
It will be as if I had not existed
Not taken up space
Not ruined a perfect moment
Not been myself
But my body defies my wishes
For I can only hold it so long
Before, against all desire,
I live, regardless of the pain.

~bluepixie

Useless

i'm worthless.
i can't function within normal society.
i'm going to lose my job again because of attendance issues.
i'll never have a career, a house, a family.
i am incapable of achieving anything worthwhile.

maybe i should just quit.
i can't have perfect attendance for two months. i just can't. i almost always oversleep, i frequently miss my bus. i am frequently 5-15 minutes late. no matter how hard i try, no matter what i do, i continue to fail at life. i'm doomed

It continues.

panic attack!
i'm going to lose my job if i don't pull it together. but that prospect makes me fall apart more.
panic attack!
i have to move. i hate the finality of it, but i will not survive here much longer.
panic attack!
winter rears its ugly head. i cannot remember winter's beginning, nor can i imagine winter's end.
panic attack!
i need to get out of here, but there is nowhere to go. how can one hide from oneself?
panic attack!
i need out. there is no way out. i am trapped in a snare that i wove myself. i forget how to unravel it. i lack the strength to break free.
panic attack!
was there ever a difference between sleeping and weeping?

Self-Sabotage...

So I didn't sleep last night, I was too busy fretting over work/distracting myself in the chat room. I hate nights like that...

Now I'm sitting at work, 1.5 hours into a 10-hour shift. I am finally starting to feel tired, and am horking back the coffee to stay awake. I seriously hope I can make it to the end of the day.

Why do I keep doing this to myself? I don't understand why I keep acting like I have some drive to fail. I want to succeed. I want to keep my job. I want to live my life and be okay, and I keep doing dumb stuff like stay up all night to undermine all the hard work I've been doing.

I hate myself so much right now, because I am miserable and I have no one to blame but myself. I am my own worst enemy.

The End... I wish!

I can't handle my life right now. It has become painfully clear to me that I am not wanted or needed anywhere. I am obivously not a real person, and I do not deserve any privacy, digity, or respect in my own house. Scratch that, I don't have a home. I'm just a squatter in my brother and his girlfriend's house. I've been utterly replaced. I wish I could just pack up and leave, but I'm too broken to function. I have nowhere to go and no one to turn to. I have been utterly betrayed by everyone I've been holding on for. I think I need to leave Edmonton. But go where? The world is a big, lonely thing, with no place in it for me.The people who care don't deserve to have to deal with my insanity and instability. What right do I have to subject them to it? And yet, this nagging, infernal sense of duty will not let me be. So I'll gather my shell of public stability and continue pretending to be okay.

Maybe if I was more irresposnible with my money, or if I was completely defying the morals my parents tried to pass on to me, or if I was a fucking criminal, they would accept me for what I am and let me have the space and understanding that I need in order to heal.

Useless

I had to drop out of school. I've been late for work 3 out of 5 days this week. I was $20 short on my rent. I'm going to be penalized by my landlords for not doing any yardwork this month. I'm doing a crappy job keeping my blog updated. My boss pretty much told me to go to hell (in not so many words) today when I asked him nicely about adjusting my schedule so that I can actually go to my one remaining class next week.

I try so hard and I get nowhere. I put in so much effort but I get no results. I just try and try and I still look like a total slacker and a failure.

My life has not changed in 5 years. Why bother trying anymore?

Wow.

One person in the world cares if I update my blog. Good to know.

Nothing to update really. Taking my meds erratically, sleeping erratically, eating erratically, going to work erratically. Still alive and occasionally regretting it.

Kals the invisible.

um

I thought I should post a new post to prove I'm still alive. Here I am.

I'm going back to school, yay me. Too bad I think i'm dying of endocarditis. Not really, but it did cross my mind earlier this week, and apparantly it crossed my doctor's mind too, cause i had to have blood cultures done. Ew, that was a lot of blood they took.

My niece is coming to town, I get to meet her at last.

uih what else... nothing really. a week of no work, thanks to a fever that no one can explain...

Walking for life

On Sunday, September 24th, I am participating in the Cheerios Heart&Stroke Walk for Heart. Our goal is to raise over $3.2 million in support of heart disease and stroke research and health education programs. The reason? Heart disease and stroke remains the leading cause of death in Canada.

Millions of Canadians – family, friends and colleagues - may develop some form of heart disease and stroke throughout their lives. By helping The Heart and Stroke Foundation fund the best research possible, we can find the answers that will make a difference to their future and yours.

You can help me raise funds for this important cause and help the Heart and Stroke Foundation reach their goal of $3.2 million for life-saving research. To sponsor me online, just click this link to access my secure fundraising page.

As many of you know, I have a congenital heart condition, a bicuspid aortic valve. While this condition does not currently have much effect on my day-to-day life, I will eventually require open-heart valve replacement surgery. So I have a special reason to want to support this organization.

If you are interested in participating in the walk, please visit this site.

Craptastic

So my brother did something colassally stupid and I can't talk about it here because a: he hasn't talked to my parents yet and I want to give them a chance to hear it from him first. b: he hasn't told my other brother about the first colassally stupid thing he did that was related to this, and I want him to hear it from him, not me. c: it really is a horrible thing and I don't really want to share it with people outside my family.

But he hurt me a lot, and has left me feeling unsafe in my own home. I don't want to move, I hate moving. But I think I have to. Too many panic attacks over little stuff.

He and I have the same work schedule now, which means that I can just ride to and from work with him once my team moves down to the new site. Yay for that. I can then spend less than half what I have been on transit and give him the difference for gas money. That only works if I don't move though.

Ran into a friend of mine on my lunch break yesterday... and his girlfriend. I really like him, so the whole girlfriend part sucks. But we had a pleasant lunch.

For those who don't know (why am I writing as if more than 3 people ever read this? I dunno, wishful thinking, I guess), I switched from the 3-midnight shift to the 7:30am-4:30pm shift as of monday. I had one day off in between to adjust. That's probably why I can't sleep properly yet, and why I feel like crap physically. It feels bizarre to be out on my lunch break and have the sun overhead, and it feels strange to have the sun on my left instead of on my right while waiting for the bus in the morning, especially when my body is telling me it's the middle of the night. I swear I have jetlag, only I got ripped off because I never went anywhere.

Went to the doctor today (called in sick, then slept late and missed my doc altogether and had to see a generic clinic doctor) and got a refill on my celexa, also got it bumped up to 20mg from 10. I also whined about my sinuses and about how my ears won't pop when I go down the elevator from the 29th floor at work, and he gave me some free flonaze. YAY! I used to use that and it worked great so I'm glad I've got it back.

When I got my new glasses, the magnetic clipon sunglasses had a flaw so they ordered a new one under warranty for me. I just went down to pick up the replacement and discovered someone from group works there now. We did some catching up (totally against the rules) and I went on my way. I tried to put the clip on my glasses and discoverred it just doesn't fit, so I went back. Turns out they put the magnet in upside down so it was positive to positive. So they gave me my old clip back and sent away for another one.

Ok I think i'm done having insomnia now, I'd best go back to bed so i can get up for antoher day of fun-filled tech support.

Poo

0 comments. figures. probably talking to myself as usual.

Still here. Feel like crap. In case anyone cares.

I'll be better once things stop being so shitty and I stop being a moron about it.

H's side of the story

the adventures of a paperback princess: more adventures of the paperback princess

Crazy Sunday.

Sunday was quite the exciting day.

H. and I were going to go shopping, then head to the Ex to see a concert. Sounded like a good time. We left my house and started walking to the LRT station.

So there I was, walking along, pushing my H's wheelchair as we embarked on a mission of shopping and concert-going, when I saw the jack russell terrier from the junkyard on the corner running loose. I mentioned that it had gotten out and then described the two other dogs in the junkyard. Obligingly, the other two appeared at the fence and started barking at us. (We were on the other side of the street and about to turn the corner in the opposite direction of the junkyard.). We turned the corner and I thought that the barking suddenly seemed closer, but before I could turn to look, the frickin jack russell bit the back of my leg! WTF!!!

Good thing I'm not a small person, or he would have had a much better grip and possibly ripped out my achilles tendon. As it is, i have a small fang-gash and some bad bruising.

Why can't my life just be normal for once?

We went up to Clairview, had lunch, found new gloves for H, new clothes for me, then hopped back on the trian and went to Northlands, wound our way through the crazy crowds of people in the midway, and got to the concert venue.

All the wheelchair people were let into the concert venue first and given places up front where the crowd wouldn't block their view of the stage. We had a blast listening to the first opening act (Murder City Sparrows rock, and thier bass player is yummy) , were tortured by the second one (I think my ears were bleeding by the end), and then all the wheelchair users were dragged out to the back before the main act started.

Why? "Because if the crowd rushes, they'll get hurt" or "because we can't get over the barrier if they're up against it"

At least, I think that was what was said. The security guards didn't talk to myself or H. about it at all. we got this information from what little we could hear of the conversations with the other four wheelchair users and their companions.

Then all of the sudden this security guard comes out of nowhere and says to me "We're moving you out now." I stare blankly, not knowing what she's talking about. "Please don't look at me like that!" she snaps. I make some vague noise of incomprehension and points at H. "Are you with her?" I nod. She gives me some vague explaination that "we're moving them" to a different area on the other side and in the back. I ask if H. will be able to see, and the security lady says yes impatiently. We are being a nuisance by not cooperating like good cattle and following orders without question. I grab my bag and step back so that H. can go ahead of me and wheel out through the aisle they had opened in the crowd. The security guard at the other end was waiting for us and talked quite pleasantly to me. H. at this point was extremely angry. We had to wait for the others to wheel out of the crowd before they told us where we were going. They herded us like cattle to our assigned area, about 20 feet behind the crowd on the other side of the venue. Then the rude security lady came and snapped something to H. about moving closer if she wanted. When H. expressed her extreme displeasure at the situation and stated she wanted to get her money refunded and to leave, the security lady said "You'll have to talk to ticketmaster for that" and walked away. This was the only time that anyone bothered to even talk to H. directly. She was so furious and mortified she was in tears. And to top it all off, she couldn't see the stage. Then as a consolation prize, we were told we would be first in line to meet the band and have stuff signed. We were there to watch the band perform, not listen to them and then get their autographs.

So many things are wrong with the way this went.

1: Why did they seat the wheelchair users in that location if they were going to move them? It's cruel to let them see the opening acts and drag them away for the main act. These people came for the main act, just like eveeryone else.
2: What gives a bunch of able-bodied teenagers more right to be able to see the concert than people in wheelchairs? Since when did people with disabilities become second-class citizens in this country?
3: The fact that H. is sitting in a wheelchair does not automatically make her deaf or stupid. Why did no one do her the courtesy of speaking directly to her?
4: People in wheelchairs do not all belong to the same party or group. Just because you talked to one person does not mean that all know what is going on.
5: The 8-year-old girl that was standing by us was in far greater danger of being crushed by the crowd than the five people in wheelchairs were.

I think that the security guards were more concerned with liability issues than with the safety of concert attendees. I was apalled and disgusted at the treatment that all five of the people in wheelchairs received. What an awful state the world is in. I'm not saying they should get special treatment, I just think they should have the same rights as everyone else.

We stuck around and enjoyed most of the rest of the concert, ate some greasy carnival food, won a few stuffed animals, and got some cotton candy to bring home to Shane, ignored mst of the fireworks, and then went home and crawled into bed.

What a day.

Monday, I went to the doctor and showed her the dog bite. She gave me a tetanus shot (which still hurts worse than the dog bite) and some antibiotic cream. Then I called animal control and they sent a couple of officers over to take a statement. Looks like I get to go to court and hopefully get the dog owner a tasty fine for dog attack causing injury. Yesterday morning the doc called me to ask if she could give her report on the dog bite to the bylaw officers. I said yes, of course. The health inspector called me this morning but I missed it, and he wasn't answering his phone when I called him back. The dog is under a 10-day quarantine to make sure it doesn't have rabies. I hope that's not the reason the health inspector is calling me :S

Adding insult to injury

... or is that injury to insult?

My chest pains returned suddenly while I was stretching at the end of my shift at work today. I'm almost certain it's either muscle or nerve related. Heaven knows I've had enough blood tests, xrays, and ecgs to prove that it's not my heart, my lungs, my ribs, or my spine...

Hopefully this will just be the standard 4 days of constant pain.

Agoraphobia Revisited.

After work today, I went down into the LRT station, like I usually do, to wait for my train home. The speaker bings and says "next train, Clairview." Oh good. I watch the tunnel expectantly, and with a sudden rush of dread and despair, I see the train has 4 cars. This can only mean one thing.

I turn to my co-worker, who is taking hte same train, and say "Yay, I wonder what big event is going to swamp us with ten million people this time."

He chuckles nervously and says "None, I hope."

We're riding along, chatting idly about stupid customers and even stupider techs, when I catch sight of the Stadium, lights ablaze and the stands nearly empty. "Football game," I gulp, "the Staduim lights are on."

"Nah," my buddy replies, "They just want to raise tehir power bill."

"HOLY MOTHER OF PARK-AND-RIDE, BATMAN!" I exclaim, catching sight of about a gadzillion people, vehicles, and busses attempting to evacuate the area.

Buddy repeats my sentiment.

Then I see the seething column of people that goes from the stadium to the entrance of the station. It reminds me of the ant column marching through my room the other day. "Oh joy," I murmer sarcastically, turning green. I start to say something about the platform had better not be packed, but we pull up to the station and it is. Craptastic. I start to shake a little. "don't stop, don't stop" I cry, only half-joking.

The doors open and hundreds of people pack on the train. Oh well, I'm getting off at the next stop. I can handle this.

Of course I had forgotten all about the Ex at Northlands Park.

Me: "getting off the train now"
People: "push shove, push shove, lemme on the train"
Me: "I'm getting off the train now."
People: "push shove, lets see how many people we can fit in here."
Me: "I'm GETTING OFF the train now"
Lady: "I think someone wants to get off the train guys."
Rude Guy: "Haha, good luck."
Me: "I'm NOT going to frickin ride all the way to fricken Clairview just to get off this fricken train. LET ME OFF NOW!"

The doors try to close. I punch my arm through the writhing crowd and stop it, then shove my way through the 6 inch space between the two people trying to get out of my way, shout "cheers" over my shoulder to my buddy, who followed me off the train, and fight my way down the stairs to the street to walk home. Phew. Not sleeping anytime soon. I'm still shaking and that was nearly 3 hours ago.

Trying to get back on track

So Sunday I came home from 4 hours of errand running to discover that sometime between when I left and when I came home, a crapload of ants decided to move in to my room. Well out comes the vacuum, then a trip to the store for some ant bait. HAHA! TAKE THAT!

Ant infestations make good excuses to not go to work the next day, apparantly. There I go practicing avoidance.

Things are looking great at work, looks like I'll get my schedule straightened out to go to school, and I'm not hopelessly poor for once.

Why do I have this feeling of doom hovering over my head?

Stupid noise

I woke up at 9am today instead of half past noon like i intended, thanks to the people upstairs.

my eyes are burning, my head hurts, my arms feel numb because my shoulder muscles are so tight, and my stomach is upset. I've had that shaky feeling I get when I'm suddenly woken from a sound sleep for about 4 hours. I resorted to having a smoke and that cured that part...

I wonder if some of this reaction is the meds. I remember feeling shaky and vibratey before, but only if I had caffine. I don't want it to be the meds. I want them to work like they did before.