I can't handle my life right now. It has become painfully clear to me that I am not wanted or needed anywhere. I am obivously not a real person, and I do not deserve any privacy, digity, or respect in my own house. Scratch that, I don't have a home. I'm just a squatter in my brother and his girlfriend's house. I've been utterly replaced. I wish I could just pack up and leave, but I'm too broken to function. I have nowhere to go and no one to turn to. I have been utterly betrayed by everyone I've been holding on for. I think I need to leave Edmonton. But go where? The world is a big, lonely thing, with no place in it for me.The people who care don't deserve to have to deal with my insanity and instability. What right do I have to subject them to it? And yet, this nagging, infernal sense of duty will not let me be. So I'll gather my shell of public stability and continue pretending to be okay.
Maybe if I was more irresposnible with my money, or if I was completely defying the morals my parents tried to pass on to me, or if I was a fucking criminal, they would accept me for what I am and let me have the space and understanding that I need in order to heal.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
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