Summer Blues

The end of June has always, in some part of my mind, equated to the end of everything. It's probably because it was the end of the school year for thirteen years. By the end of June everything was over; Guiding, softball, and school. The Owlsnest closed. Most of my regular babysitting jobs were on hiatus for the summer. My Grandpa died in June. Fifteen years later and I still miss him horribly. The high point of my summer was always going down to visit him for a few weeks. He and I were the early risers. We would spend that quiet first part of the day together, opening the blinds, watering the plants, talking quietly over cereal, and just enjoying each other's company. It was a magical time, it was our time. Dawn feels empty without him, especially in the summer.

The end of June used to mark a few weeks of swimming lessons and playing outside with the neighbours, of being put to work on various projects in the house, but always there was vacation at Grandpa's to anticipate. After he died, there was no longer that mid-point to look forward to. It was just endless summer, helping Dad build a new fence, painting things, cleaning things, organizing things, scraping up enough money to go to a Guide camp now and then, swim lessons and bike rides, and the occasional vacation. But although school years have come and gone, and the weather has become hot and the days long, that carefree thing that was summer has not returned. I miss it.

http://ca.360.yahoo.com/panastwins

A life,
eager to find this world,
sprung from the womb precipitously

A life,
struggling for every breath, every heartbeat
each moment simultaneously a blessing and a prayer

A life,
over almost before it had begun;
his days were numbered 123.

A life,
filled with tubes and needles
surgeries and procedures

A life,
confined to hospitals, to incubators
to ambulances, to pods

A life,
inextricably tied and intertwined
with that of another soul, his twin, his brother

A life,
released, unfettered
never to experience the woes of maturity

A life,
truncated, denied the joys
and the sorrows of humanity

A life,
so briefly touching mine
so profoundly echoing in my heart.

Farewell, Andrew.

Existential depression

It's a plague, it saps my strength, my will. There is no cure, no balm, no relief, only overwhelming despair, and guilt for that despair.

http://gtadults.blogspot.com/2006/05/existential-depression.html

A poem not by me.

I breathe in
Not wanting to breathe out
Not wanting to continue
In this cycle
If I can hold this breath
One second longer
Than the pain
Won’t ache as much
And time will have stopped
For a second
And for that one second
It will be as if I had not existed
Not taken up space
Not ruined a perfect moment
Not been myself
But my body defies my wishes
For I can only hold it so long
Before, against all desire,
I live, regardless of the pain.

~bluepixie

Useless

i'm worthless.
i can't function within normal society.
i'm going to lose my job again because of attendance issues.
i'll never have a career, a house, a family.
i am incapable of achieving anything worthwhile.

maybe i should just quit.
i can't have perfect attendance for two months. i just can't. i almost always oversleep, i frequently miss my bus. i am frequently 5-15 minutes late. no matter how hard i try, no matter what i do, i continue to fail at life. i'm doomed

It continues.

panic attack!
i'm going to lose my job if i don't pull it together. but that prospect makes me fall apart more.
panic attack!
i have to move. i hate the finality of it, but i will not survive here much longer.
panic attack!
winter rears its ugly head. i cannot remember winter's beginning, nor can i imagine winter's end.
panic attack!
i need to get out of here, but there is nowhere to go. how can one hide from oneself?
panic attack!
i need out. there is no way out. i am trapped in a snare that i wove myself. i forget how to unravel it. i lack the strength to break free.
panic attack!
was there ever a difference between sleeping and weeping?