Reflection on the close of the semester

So for the first time in my life, I finished an entire academic semester with full academic supports. I have my digital voice recorder with indexing to help me with my notes in class, I have permission to take notes on my laptop, I have text-to-speech software to help me stay focused while reading, and I have software to help me with the process of planning and organizing things. I have a good quality headset to use with my speech recognition software when writing papers. I have access to an academic strategist and a counselor. I have exam accommodations which allow me to write my exams in isolation on a computer, using my text-to-speech software to keep me on task. I have access to a note-taker if I need one.

Yesterday afternoon, for the first time in my life, I handed in the last of my assignments for the semester on the last day of the term. I did not miss any assignments and I did not Have to get an extension past when the term was over. Sure, one of them was overdue, but it's finished and I turned it in, which means I don't have to take an automatic fail in a class where I would otherwise be getting at least a B.

I was so happy yesterday!

After all that effort, I actually managed to successfully complete a semester of college. Amazing.

Today, I feel lost and deflated. No reason, I just do. I'm reminded of something in the book "Driven to Distraction" by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D. and John J. Ratey, M.D.

Expect depression after success. People with ADD commonly complain of feeling depressed, paradoxically, after a big success. This is because the high stimulus of the chase or the challenge or the preparation is over. The deed is done. Win or lose, the adult with ADD misses the conflict, the high stimulus, and feels depressed." (Hallowell and Ratey, p. 251)

On the one hand, this sounds absolutely crazy, but on the other it makes total sense. I tend to miss the chaos and the business of moving from one paper to another, group projects, deadlines, scrambling to make it to class on time, and all that good stuff. It's like the high-energy borderline gong show that is the opening night of a theatrical production. Now that I'm finished (at least until Monday), it's almost like my brain doesn't know what to do with itself if it's not juggling the 50 million tasks I give it on a normal basis.

The good news is I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow (or maybe friday... I'd better phone and find out!) and I can maybe talk about all this. I just need to remember to railroad the session!

Hallowell and Ratey had things to say about how to deal with this "post success letdown," too:

Try to let a successful moment last and be remembered and become sustaining over time. You'll have to train yourself to do this because you'll naturally tend to forget your successes as you brood over your shortcomings or pessimistically anticipate the worst. (Hallowell and Ratey, p. 252)

Looks like maybe I have a new skill to practice, I guess I'll just add it to the rest! Blah. Must. Not. Get. Overwhelmed.

Speaking of, does anyone, anyone know of a doctor or a psychiatrist in Edmonton who has experience dealing with ADHD in adults? Anyone? I really want to see if medication will help me, but I don't know where to go, and I want to make sure whoever I'm dealing with knows what he or she is doing.

Quotations taken from "Driven to Distraction" by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D. and John J. Ratey, M.D. Published 1995 by Touchstone in New York, NY. Book can be found for purchase at Chapters.ca or Amazon.com; I really recommend it to anyone who is learning how to cope with ADHD, either themselves or in a family member.