ADHD and me: the perpetual klutz.

So I don't know if anyone else has this problem, but I'm guessing yes. As I type this, I keep checking my wounds to see if they actually need band-aids -- I recently parted company with a little bit of skin on the palm of my left hand, the back of my left forearm (I'm talented like that!) and my left knee (and even a tiny bit on my right knee... but not nearly so bad as the left). All three of these locations are grotesquely swollen and beginning to turn interesting colours like green and purple and blue. My head hurts something fierce, and my neck is sore enough I suspect I've inflicted a minor case of whiplash upon myself. What did I do?

I didn't fall off my bike/rollerblades/skateboard. I didn't get hit by a car (did that once, came away with FAR less damage than I have now!) or a freight train, although it sure feels like it. No, I fell off my feet. That's right. I was dropped off across the street by a friend. I looked both ways to ensure there was no traffic. Then I took about two steps, tripped on the open pavement, stumbled forward rather quickly, realised there was no recovering from this, fell, caught myself with my hands, and then kept falling forward with my arm underneath my body. I actually bounced. Too bad no one was videotaping, I could have been famous in an AFV falling down montage. Oh yeah, the swelling happened immediately, and the bruising... well this happened less than an hour ago and already I am colourful.

So how in the world does one trip on nothing? Someone please tell me, because this is not the first time I have done it! I sprained my ankle on two separate occasions doing the very same thing (the other two times, I stepped in holes), and I feel very proud of myself to have made all my appendages go in the right directions to avoid another sprain. I think. The jury is still out on my arm, but if you had a 300lb+ woman land on you and skid forward, you would be swollen and black and blue too, I imagine.

I always have a few bruises on my person. I walk into stuff, hit myself with things, trip over nothing, it seems like I am the clumsiest person on earth. My mom said she wants to wrap me up in cotton batting. I told her I would probably get rugburn from it or something.

At least since my diagnosis, I can blame it on something besides me being a colossal klutz -- I know that with ADHD comes a tendency to not notice certain things in my environment... such as that small bump in the pavement, or my proximity to the door I am about to yank open. Or the coffee table. Once I decided to walk to the back door at my grandpa's house (I was like... 11 at the time, so there is no excuse for this...) completely forgetting about the 3 stairs down to the landing. CRASH! I trip over the cracks in the sidewalk, too, even when they're spray painted with bright colours.

So, who wants to follow me around with a video camera to capture my epic spills on tape?

Cross-posted to ADDer World.

Reflection on the close of the semester

So for the first time in my life, I finished an entire academic semester with full academic supports. I have my digital voice recorder with indexing to help me with my notes in class, I have permission to take notes on my laptop, I have text-to-speech software to help me stay focused while reading, and I have software to help me with the process of planning and organizing things. I have a good quality headset to use with my speech recognition software when writing papers. I have access to an academic strategist and a counselor. I have exam accommodations which allow me to write my exams in isolation on a computer, using my text-to-speech software to keep me on task. I have access to a note-taker if I need one.

Yesterday afternoon, for the first time in my life, I handed in the last of my assignments for the semester on the last day of the term. I did not miss any assignments and I did not Have to get an extension past when the term was over. Sure, one of them was overdue, but it's finished and I turned it in, which means I don't have to take an automatic fail in a class where I would otherwise be getting at least a B.

I was so happy yesterday!

After all that effort, I actually managed to successfully complete a semester of college. Amazing.

Today, I feel lost and deflated. No reason, I just do. I'm reminded of something in the book "Driven to Distraction" by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D. and John J. Ratey, M.D.

Expect depression after success. People with ADD commonly complain of feeling depressed, paradoxically, after a big success. This is because the high stimulus of the chase or the challenge or the preparation is over. The deed is done. Win or lose, the adult with ADD misses the conflict, the high stimulus, and feels depressed." (Hallowell and Ratey, p. 251)

On the one hand, this sounds absolutely crazy, but on the other it makes total sense. I tend to miss the chaos and the business of moving from one paper to another, group projects, deadlines, scrambling to make it to class on time, and all that good stuff. It's like the high-energy borderline gong show that is the opening night of a theatrical production. Now that I'm finished (at least until Monday), it's almost like my brain doesn't know what to do with itself if it's not juggling the 50 million tasks I give it on a normal basis.

The good news is I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow (or maybe friday... I'd better phone and find out!) and I can maybe talk about all this. I just need to remember to railroad the session!

Hallowell and Ratey had things to say about how to deal with this "post success letdown," too:

Try to let a successful moment last and be remembered and become sustaining over time. You'll have to train yourself to do this because you'll naturally tend to forget your successes as you brood over your shortcomings or pessimistically anticipate the worst. (Hallowell and Ratey, p. 252)

Looks like maybe I have a new skill to practice, I guess I'll just add it to the rest! Blah. Must. Not. Get. Overwhelmed.

Speaking of, does anyone, anyone know of a doctor or a psychiatrist in Edmonton who has experience dealing with ADHD in adults? Anyone? I really want to see if medication will help me, but I don't know where to go, and I want to make sure whoever I'm dealing with knows what he or she is doing.

Quotations taken from "Driven to Distraction" by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D. and John J. Ratey, M.D. Published 1995 by Touchstone in New York, NY. Book can be found for purchase at Chapters.ca or Amazon.com; I really recommend it to anyone who is learning how to cope with ADHD, either themselves or in a family member.