Adding insult to injury

... or is that injury to insult?

My chest pains returned suddenly while I was stretching at the end of my shift at work today. I'm almost certain it's either muscle or nerve related. Heaven knows I've had enough blood tests, xrays, and ecgs to prove that it's not my heart, my lungs, my ribs, or my spine...

Hopefully this will just be the standard 4 days of constant pain.

Agoraphobia Revisited.

After work today, I went down into the LRT station, like I usually do, to wait for my train home. The speaker bings and says "next train, Clairview." Oh good. I watch the tunnel expectantly, and with a sudden rush of dread and despair, I see the train has 4 cars. This can only mean one thing.

I turn to my co-worker, who is taking hte same train, and say "Yay, I wonder what big event is going to swamp us with ten million people this time."

He chuckles nervously and says "None, I hope."

We're riding along, chatting idly about stupid customers and even stupider techs, when I catch sight of the Stadium, lights ablaze and the stands nearly empty. "Football game," I gulp, "the Staduim lights are on."

"Nah," my buddy replies, "They just want to raise tehir power bill."

"HOLY MOTHER OF PARK-AND-RIDE, BATMAN!" I exclaim, catching sight of about a gadzillion people, vehicles, and busses attempting to evacuate the area.

Buddy repeats my sentiment.

Then I see the seething column of people that goes from the stadium to the entrance of the station. It reminds me of the ant column marching through my room the other day. "Oh joy," I murmer sarcastically, turning green. I start to say something about the platform had better not be packed, but we pull up to the station and it is. Craptastic. I start to shake a little. "don't stop, don't stop" I cry, only half-joking.

The doors open and hundreds of people pack on the train. Oh well, I'm getting off at the next stop. I can handle this.

Of course I had forgotten all about the Ex at Northlands Park.

Me: "getting off the train now"
People: "push shove, push shove, lemme on the train"
Me: "I'm getting off the train now."
People: "push shove, lets see how many people we can fit in here."
Me: "I'm GETTING OFF the train now"
Lady: "I think someone wants to get off the train guys."
Rude Guy: "Haha, good luck."
Me: "I'm NOT going to frickin ride all the way to fricken Clairview just to get off this fricken train. LET ME OFF NOW!"

The doors try to close. I punch my arm through the writhing crowd and stop it, then shove my way through the 6 inch space between the two people trying to get out of my way, shout "cheers" over my shoulder to my buddy, who followed me off the train, and fight my way down the stairs to the street to walk home. Phew. Not sleeping anytime soon. I'm still shaking and that was nearly 3 hours ago.

Trying to get back on track

So Sunday I came home from 4 hours of errand running to discover that sometime between when I left and when I came home, a crapload of ants decided to move in to my room. Well out comes the vacuum, then a trip to the store for some ant bait. HAHA! TAKE THAT!

Ant infestations make good excuses to not go to work the next day, apparantly. There I go practicing avoidance.

Things are looking great at work, looks like I'll get my schedule straightened out to go to school, and I'm not hopelessly poor for once.

Why do I have this feeling of doom hovering over my head?

Stupid noise

I woke up at 9am today instead of half past noon like i intended, thanks to the people upstairs.

my eyes are burning, my head hurts, my arms feel numb because my shoulder muscles are so tight, and my stomach is upset. I've had that shaky feeling I get when I'm suddenly woken from a sound sleep for about 4 hours. I resorted to having a smoke and that cured that part...

I wonder if some of this reaction is the meds. I remember feeling shaky and vibratey before, but only if I had caffine. I don't want it to be the meds. I want them to work like they did before.

Still holding on

I went to the doctor yesterday and all but demanded he write me a scrip for celexa. he glanced through my chart and was astonished at the sheer volume of ECGs in there.

me: "Yeah I was having chest pains for no reason."

He noted that they were all normal, and so it evidently wasn't heart-related.

me: "Yeah that's what my cardiologist says too, nothing has changed with my heart in 4 years so that's good"

him: "... you have a cardiologist? why do you have a cardiologist?"


Gah, enough of the medical history just give me the durn drugs. They worked before, they'll work now, with minimal side effects.

guess what!

I'M NOT OKAY!

I'm a moron.

I finally went to sleep around 5:30am... just after I realised I had an optomitrist appointment at 11:30. Crud. Here I thought I got to sleep until 1ish. Oh well.

"I'm so tired, but I can't sleep"

I was so excited to get to finally sleep in my own bed tonight after 2 months of being not-home. Enter Insomnia. Figures

I had a Ziggy day today... left from H's house and the sky opened up. It rained so hard that I actually couldn't blink fast enough to keep it out of my eyes. I walked 1 and a half blocks and I was completely soaked to the skin. Then I got on the train and everyone else was totally dry. I guess it was just my personal rainstorm. Got home and my bro was soaked too, so it wasn't just me but it sure felt like it.

song of the day

Right now it's "Bridge over troubled water"

A good day so far. Woke up 4 hours before I needed to and couldn't get back to sleep for about an hour, then had trouble waking up when it was time. Pretty common simptom for me. Got up in time though, despite feeling like life weighed 1000 pounds. Beth made me breakfast, YAY BETH, you rock! Made it out the door and was early for the bus, had easy calls, and am currently not completely losing at Risk. Whee.

"write a letter and mail it to yourself..."

I've got a Streetnix song in my head. Well, the original is from Northern Pikes. but it's in my head and it's not getting out. I guess having fragments of the song repeating sequentially in my mind is a nice respite from yesterday, when the song in my head consisted of a single phrase repeated over and over for hours on end until I wanted nothing more than to silence my mind.

The song is called "Hopes Go Astray", and you can find the lyrics here.

they seem to fit very well.

The journey begins again

I have discovered that I am headed back into my old inferno; The bow of my spirit is on a collision course with a mighty storm and a rocky shoal, and the rudder has seized.

Since I've recognized the beginning of my downward spiral, I've decided to chronicle my descent into darkness, and my resurrected joy when I emerge on the other side, wounded and scarred, but intact. I know I will emerge because I have before. The dark night of the soul, though filled with despair and blindness, is not never-ending. I shall cling to that knowledge, for it will allow me to survive.