I am not a failure.

A lifetime

of missed instructions
forgotten missions
false starts and lost endings
of chaos and defeat

of missed appointments
forgotten reminders
false friends and lost memories
of lather, rinse, repeat

of missed assignments
forgotten deadlines
false impressions and lost marks
of squirming in my seat

"If only you'd apply yourself,"
they tell me, and
"You just need to make yourself do it, really."
"You've got so much potential, if only you were more motivated!"

All they see is how bright I am
how far I can go
no one sees how hard I struggle
I'm not a disaster on purpose --
I want to succeed.

And now
finally
someone hears me

finally
a name and a reason for the chaos and the tears

finally
stories of other people
whose stories sound like my own

finally
maybe now I can learn how to live
rather than merely struggling to exist


finally
I know I have ADHD

This explains everything.

Anger and the beast within

I am so unbelievably angry right now, and I misdirected it, which makes me more angry.

I hate being angry like this. It feels like I'm going to explode and then just scream and scream and scream... and then it turns into a sick feeling in my stomach and a crushing feeling in my chest, like a panic attack, only i know it's anger, not panic.

It makes me want to tear my skin off.