tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-307551742012-01-10T01:47:32.671-07:00A record of my journey through the hellish emptiness of depression. <p> Please feel free to leave comments.Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.comBlogger321100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-65455362831881960832010-07-12T11:33:00.003-06:002010-07-12T14:04:47.518-06:00

Recently, I have seen episodes that deal with mental illness on a couple of favourite shows. The first one, an episode of Doctor Who involving Vincent Van Gogh, was absolutely spot-on. The second, an episode of Drop Dead Diva in which Jane's mother is arrested for erratic behaviour and diagnosed with bipolar disorder, both wins and fails horribly.Vincent Van Gogh, for those of you who do not have

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-61853065795992326502009-07-11T17:13:00.001-06:002009-07-11T17:17:26.389-06:00

So I don't know if anyone else has this problem, but I'm guessing yes. As I type this, I keep checking my wounds to see if they actually need band-aids -- I recently parted company with a little bit of skin on the palm of my left hand, the back of my left forearm (I'm talented like that!) and my left knee (and even a tiny bit on my right knee... but not nearly so bad as the left). All three of

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-33247391995156913722009-04-23T00:54:00.002-06:002009-04-23T01:33:08.598-06:00

So for the first time in my life, I finished an entire academic semester with full academic supports. I have my digital voice recorder with indexing to help me with my notes in class, I have permission to take notes on my laptop, I have text-to-speech software to help me stay focused while reading, and I have software to help me with the process of planning and organizing things. I have a good

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-84843357194193622482008-11-03T12:54:00.002-07:002008-11-03T13:08:35.036-07:00

A lifetimeof missed instructionsforgotten missionsfalse starts and lost endingsof chaos and defeatof missed appointmentsforgotten remindersfalse friends and lost memoriesof lather, rinse, repeatof missed assignmentsforgotten deadlinesfalse impressions and lost marksof squirming in my seat"If only you'd apply yourself,"they tell me, and"You just need to make yourself do it, really.""You've got so

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-31949703945887047622008-02-23T23:14:00.002-07:002008-02-23T23:28:39.204-07:00

I am so unbelievably angry right now, and I misdirected it, which makes me more angry.I hate being angry like this. It feels like I'm going to explode and then just scream and scream and scream... and then it turns into a sick feeling in my stomach and a crushing feeling in my chest, like a panic attack, only i know it's anger, not panic.It makes me want to tear my skin off.

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-39049321146261952172007-06-26T15:16:00.000-06:002007-06-26T15:30:17.771-06:00

The end of June has always, in some part of my mind, equated to the end of everything. It's probably because it was the end of the school year for thirteen years. By the end of June everything was over; Guiding, softball, and school. The Owlsnest closed. Most of my regular babysitting jobs were on hiatus for the summer. My Grandpa died in June. Fifteen years later and I still miss him horribly.

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-12165989462530461162007-04-04T21:59:00.001-06:002007-04-04T21:59:54.152-06:00

A life,eager to find this world,sprung from the womb precipitouslyA life,struggling for every breath, every heartbeateach moment simultaneously a blessing and a prayerA life,over almost before it had begun;his days were numbered 123.A life,filled with tubes and needlessurgeries and proceduresA life,confined to hospitals, to incubatorsto ambulances, to podsA life,inextricably tied and

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-26623138705722551672007-03-08T11:00:00.000-07:002007-03-08T11:02:06.201-07:00

It's a plague, it saps my strength, my will. There is no cure, no balm, no relief, only overwhelming despair, and guilt for that despair.http://gtadults.blogspot.com/2006/05/existential-depression.html

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-49583835087457766602007-02-12T22:29:00.001-07:002007-02-07T14:15:44.876-07:00

I breathe inNot wanting to breathe outNot wanting to continueIn this cycleIf I can hold this breathOne second longerThan the painWon’t ache as muchAnd time will have stoppedFor a secondAnd for that one secondIt will be as if I had not existedNot taken up spaceNot ruined a perfect momentNot been myselfBut my body defies my wishesFor I can only hold it so longBefore, against all desire,I live,

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-50946716145870580922007-02-07T14:03:00.000-07:002007-02-07T14:15:45.008-07:00

i'm worthless.i can't function within normal society.i'm going to lose my job again because of attendance issues.i'll never have a career, a house, a family.i am incapable of achieving anything worthwhile.maybe i should just quit.i can't have perfect attendance for two months. i just can't. i almost always oversleep, i frequently miss my bus. i am frequently 5-15 minutes late. no matter how hard

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-80531648321691461482007-01-10T23:50:00.000-07:002007-01-11T00:00:13.621-07:00

panic attack!i'm going to lose my job if i don't pull it together. but that prospect makes me fall apart more.panic attack!i have to move. i hate the finality of it, but i will not survive here much longer.panic attack!winter rears its ugly head. i cannot remember winter's beginning, nor can i imagine winter's end.panic attack!i need to get out of here, but there is nowhere to go. how can one

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-50677833842777204452006-10-27T09:02:00.001-06:002006-10-27T09:03:56.239-06:00

So I didn't sleep last night, I was too busy fretting over work/distracting myself in the chat room. I hate nights like that...Now I'm sitting at work, 1.5 hours into a 10-hour shift. I am finally starting to feel tired, and am horking back the coffee to stay awake. I seriously hope I can make it to the end of the day.Why do I keep doing this to myself? I don't understand why I keep acting like I

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-1160508556926471942006-10-10T13:18:00.000-06:002006-10-10T13:29:16.946-06:00

I can't handle my life right now. It has become painfully clear to me that I am not wanted or needed anywhere. I am obivously not a real person, and I do not deserve any privacy, digity, or respect in my own house. Scratch that, I don't have a home. I'm just a squatter in my brother and his girlfriend's house. I've been utterly replaced. I wish I could just pack up and leave, but I'm too broken

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-1159594004410585052006-09-29T23:23:00.000-06:002006-09-29T23:26:44.426-06:00

I had to drop out of school. I've been late for work 3 out of 5 days this week. I was $20 short on my rent. I'm going to be penalized by my landlords for not doing any yardwork this month. I'm doing a crappy job keeping my blog updated. My boss pretty much told me to go to hell (in not so many words) today when I asked him nicely about adjusting my schedule so that I can actually go to my one

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-1158558869607898712006-09-17T23:51:00.000-06:002006-09-17T23:54:29.620-06:00

One person in the world cares if I update my blog. Good to know.Nothing to update really. Taking my meds erratically, sleeping erratically, eating erratically, going to work erratically. Still alive and occasionally regretting it.Kals the invisible.

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-1157159645986912852006-09-01T19:12:00.000-06:002006-09-01T19:14:05.996-06:00

I thought I should post a new post to prove I'm still alive. Here I am.I'm going back to school, yay me. Too bad I think i'm dying of endocarditis. Not really, but it did cross my mind earlier this week, and apparantly it crossed my doctor's mind too, cause i had to have blood cultures done. Ew, that was a lot of blood they took.My niece is coming to town, I get to meet her at last.uih what else.

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-1155947402149755312006-08-18T18:26:00.000-06:002006-08-18T18:30:02.160-06:00

On Sunday, September 24th, I am participating in the Cheerios Heart&Stroke Walk for Heart. Our goal is to raise over $3.2 million in support of heart disease and stroke research and health education programs. The reason? Heart disease and stroke remains the leading cause of death in Canada.Millions of Canadians – family, friends and colleagues - may develop some form of heart disease and

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-1155115684451198772006-08-09T02:58:00.000-06:002006-08-09T03:28:04.466-06:00

So my brother did something colassally stupid and I can't talk about it here because a: he hasn't talked to my parents yet and I want to give them a chance to hear it from him first. b: he hasn't told my other brother about the first colassally stupid thing he did that was related to this, and I want him to hear it from him, not me. c: it really is a horrible thing and I don't really want to

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-1154854487568537532006-08-06T02:54:00.000-06:002006-08-06T03:12:13.173-06:00

0 comments. figures. probably talking to myself as usual.Still here. Feel like crap. In case anyone cares.I'll be better once things stop being so shitty and I stop being a moron about it.

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-1154161984068391892006-07-29T02:32:00.000-06:002006-07-29T02:33:04.080-06:00

the adventures of a paperback princess: more adventures of the paperback princess

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-1153976408075254072006-07-26T22:59:00.000-06:002006-07-26T23:00:08.093-06:00

Sunday was quite the exciting day.H. and I were going to go shopping, then head to the Ex to see a concert. Sounded like a good time. We left my house and started walking to the LRT station.So there I was, walking along, pushing my H's wheelchair as we embarked on a mission of shopping and concert-going, when I saw the jack russell terrier from the junkyard on the corner running loose. I

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-1153558538433069812006-07-22T02:53:00.000-06:002006-07-22T02:55:38.450-06:00

... or is that injury to insult?My chest pains returned suddenly while I was stretching at the end of my shift at work today. I'm almost certain it's either muscle or nerve related. Heaven knows I've had enough blood tests, xrays, and ecgs to prove that it's not my heart, my lungs, my ribs, or my spine...Hopefully this will just be the standard 4 days of constant pain.

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-1153472043784136982006-07-21T02:39:00.000-06:002006-07-21T02:54:03.796-06:00

After work today, I went down into the LRT station, like I usually do, to wait for my train home. The speaker bings and says "next train, Clairview." Oh good. I watch the tunnel expectantly, and with a sudden rush of dread and despair, I see the train has 4 cars. This can only mean one thing.I turn to my co-worker, who is taking hte same train, and say "Yay, I wonder what big event is going to

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-1153388274388890582006-07-20T03:31:00.000-06:002006-07-20T03:37:54.396-06:00

So Sunday I came home from 4 hours of errand running to discover that sometime between when I left and when I came home, a crapload of ants decided to move in to my room. Well out comes the vacuum, then a trip to the store for some ant bait. HAHA! TAKE THAT!Ant infestations make good excuses to not go to work the next day, apparantly. There I go practicing avoidance.Things are looking great at

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-1153000060690943842006-07-15T15:46:00.000-06:002006-07-15T18:06:35.376-06:00

I woke up at 9am today instead of half past noon like i intended, thanks to the people upstairs.my eyes are burning, my head hurts, my arms feel numb because my shoulder muscles are so tight, and my stomach is upset. I've had that shaky feeling I get when I'm suddenly woken from a sound sleep for about 4 hours. I resorted to having a smoke and that cured that part...I wonder if some of this

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-1152827415837248872006-07-13T15:17:00.000-06:002006-07-13T15:50:15.850-06:00

I went to the doctor yesterday and all but demanded he write me a scrip for celexa. he glanced through my chart and was astonished at the sheer volume of ECGs in there.me: "Yeah I was having chest pains for no reason."He noted that they were all normal, and so it evidently wasn't heart-related.me: "Yeah that's what my cardiologist says too, nothing has changed with my heart in 4 years so that's

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-1152670160985225372006-07-11T20:08:00.000-06:002006-07-11T20:09:20.993-06:00

I'M NOT OKAY!

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-1152652075764690512006-07-11T15:06:00.000-06:002006-07-11T15:08:19.016-06:00

I finally went to sleep around 5:30am... just after I realised I had an optomitrist appointment at 11:30. Crud. Here I thought I got to sleep until 1ish. Oh well.

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-1152616858944509952006-07-11T05:13:00.000-06:002006-07-11T05:21:04.380-06:00

I was so excited to get to finally sleep in my own bed tonight after 2 months of being not-home. Enter Insomnia. FiguresI had a Ziggy day today... left from H's house and the sky opened up. It rained so hard that I actually couldn't blink fast enough to keep it out of my eyes. I walked 1 and a half blocks and I was completely soaked to the skin. Then I got on the train and everyone else was

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-1152410974387124822006-07-08T19:59:00.000-06:002006-07-08T20:09:34.400-06:00

Right now it's "Bridge over troubled water"A good day so far. Woke up 4 hours before I needed to and couldn't get back to sleep for about an hour, then had trouble waking up when it was time. Pretty common simptom for me. Got up in time though, despite feeling like life weighed 1000 pounds. Beth made me breakfast, YAY BETH, you rock! Made it out the door and was early for the bus, had easy calls,

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-1152309885891776932006-07-07T15:59:00.000-06:002006-07-07T16:04:45.900-06:00

I've got a Streetnix song in my head. Well, the original is from Northern Pikes. but it's in my head and it's not getting out. I guess having fragments of the song repeating sequentially in my mind is a nice respite from yesterday, when the song in my head consisted of a single phrase repeated over and over for hours on end until I wanted nothing more than to silence my mind.The song is called "

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30755174.post-1152221902964933832006-07-06T15:31:00.000-06:002006-07-06T15:46:04.146-06:00

I have discovered that I am headed back into my old inferno; The bow of my spirit is on a collision course with a mighty storm and a rocky shoal, and the rudder has seized.Since I've recognized the beginning of my downward spiral, I've decided to chronicle my descent into darkness, and my resurrected joy when I emerge on the other side, wounded and scarred, but intact. I know I will emerge

Kalstolynhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14303277913302644977noreply@blogger.com0